by Ang Kia Yee
Living is overwhelming right now, with multiple lines of work, communciation, fears, desires all meeting in my full body. I am recalling The Unconsoled again, how that book helped articulate what a life accelerated beyond limit and control looks like, how it has become a blueprint for what I never want my daily rhythms to devolve into. It doesn’t articulate reality at all; that is the point — past the scale of your cognition, memory and energy, even the realest thing will feel too fast, will be undercut by the next thing rushing in, will not feel real at all.
I am also slowly figuring out how to trim my life down. But it sends me into a panic, it returns me to the fears I’ve carried since I was very small, that my life must be lived out ambitiously and aggressively to be valuable. That I must be incredibly successful to be loved. No, I must outcompete everyone else in order to be worthy. Even as I type this now, I feel like crying. I am still learning to love myself as I am, and to fully internalise the fact that I am loved by others as I am. Despite the ways I care for and protect myself, it is easy to lose that centre. It is easy for my confidence to be reduced to a mere shell.
Last night, I found that the second season of Fruits Basket had been released on Netflix. It gave me so much comfort to return to Tohru’s world and energy. While so much of her is probably the wet dream of men who want wives, her naivety and pureness never fails to move me. Her ability to find joy in the people and daily gestures of her life gives me courage. The interest she takes in the people closest to her is a blueprint, too. There is so much joy to be found there. It is impossible to unlearn what I know and become a Tohru in that sense, but I think there is kind of mindspace to be cultivated? You don’t have to be ignorant to be naive and simple. I think one can relearn how to be naive.
I have also been wondering — who are you, the one who reads? I don’t have many readers, but it seems one or two of you pass through this space every day. Thank you for making this less of a void for me, and more like a little room where I am, where people come to briefly visit ever so often. I am glad you find my little logs interesting in whatever way you do. What I hope, a little ambitiously, is that they offer you comfort and hope, too.
I am curious about you, but I think this anonymity is quite special. I believe it gives you more room to roam. As much as I want to know who you are, I think the sort of freedom this anonymity gives you is important to cherish! Of course, if you would ever like to reach me, I am somewhere here. And on my portfolio site (which is linked in the About page), you can find my email. I am very introverted right now, but I would love to meet and get to know you, whoever you are.