by Ang Kia Yee

I wish to return to reading books and writing in my own head. I wish to disappear from society and its circles. I wish to not participate, to not perceive concepts of value where one thing is always more or less than another. I wish to be at odds with nobody. I wish to be unperceived. I wish to be nothing anyone asks anything of.

The last few days I have thought often of dying. But not in that way. I simply wish to put a pause on my existence, because it is so heavy. It is such a great weight to carry everyday and I feel it in my body. How tired I am of the things I do and feel I must do. I would like to lose consciousness for a while. I guess that is why people get themselves drunk or high. I am too tightly wound for such options.

Also, my anxiety has been very bad these last few days for a reason I can’t disclose here. It’s causing me gastric pains and I’m finding hard to focus on anything other than these waves of panic. I woke up this morning to my heart racing with fear. It will pass after tomorrow, but for now I am a little paralyzed. Most of what I can do are things to cope with it, rather than the work that presses upon me. Coupled with that heavy feeling, it’s been quite hard to do anything much at all. I did go running this morning, though, because my brother was going and asked me to join him. I felt relieved to have someone (sort of) direct me to do something, especially when that something is really good for my anxiety.

I await the passing of this claustrophobic phase, this sense of being cornered without escape.