by Ang Kia Yee

The lunar new year weekend was a quiet yet certain turn in my body, as a small box of time opened up for me to stop work, rest, eat properly, read, think, dream again. A wave of energy entered my being in that time, along with new ideas. I feel determined. I feel like what I hope to do, not just in the now but also the future, is possible. I’ve not felt like this since I was 18 or 19.

There are a few things I now recognise to be taking real root, like the Taoist philosophies I’ve been mulling over, and my interest in astrology as a way of making meaning. Astrology really is a kind of language, one that this generation is using to reconfigure what and how the world can be — not predetermined and definite, no, but capable of balancing mystery and self-possession again. Between what we cannot control and what we know and dance around, a humble feeling of power arises. 无为而治。Those who mock astrology simply have other languages they believe in.

The hope this time is a very practical one, in that, instead of a monstrous, serpentine sense that everything is possible, I see clearly the steps I need to take to move forward, whether in terms of building daily discipline or modulating those inner rooms where my desires and anxieties reside. I see how all these possibilities have been within me all along. I had to become who I am now, more level-headed and self-aligned than before, to not only be ready but also to realise that I am ready. The realisation is probably the hardest part.

The sense of ease and trust grows in me, too, as I steep in Taoist philosophies that seem to line up so intimately with the temperament and mindset I’ve wanted to have for so long now. I simply needed the words (that is how I process) to start practicing these forms of myself. As I learn to live here, in each moment, I think I am coming to understand that I will, after all, endure to the end.