by Ang Kia Yee
I’m still meeting this new self! She’s solid stuff, and okay, I should stop referring to her as a separate entity if I want to close this dissonance. I am her, actually, for real, with some permanence, with new confidence, courage, ease and compassion. Even in this peaking point of exhaustion, of feeling dead on my feet on the MRT, of finding the whole world too bright and hazy no matter the hour of day. I do like myself very much.
I think what has been most surprising, most comforting, is my new ability to hold rage and resentment without being eaten up…! To recognise that anger is an important emotion I must hold without indulgence, without repression. And to also realise that my anger is me standing up for myself now. I am not diminished by careless words, I am indignant that someone said such things to me. That is a newish feeling. Something I have experienced with myself before, but not so clearly, so doubtlessly.
Today all this culminated in a Scorpio rising on high kind of state: black velvet skirt, black sleeveless knitted cropped top (I have virtually never worn a cropped top ever), black tight hoodie, black socks, black running shoes, green knitted sling bag, pink wireless earbuds, pearl earrings on the uppermost ear piercing on both sides, long strides not looking back, looking straight ahead as if striking with a knife. It was anger, certainly, even some anxiety/fear, but also another shade emerging. I am excited to embody this colour.
But first, time to rest. Time to sleep for many hours on end, without thoughts of other people, projects, problems.