by Ang Kia Yee

Today, a vaccine-fuelled haze.

New things. I feel a curiosity for new things, like new sounds and new foods, that I’ve not felt for a long time. I listened to four or five new songs today. I walked out and bought my brother and myself McDonalds.

I also pulled out a stack of books and more clothing to sell or give away. A milestone, and I am eager to shed until only a thin layer is left, the layer which holds all which is actually true.

I finished the latest episode of TXT’s running variety series, which brings the total episodes I’ve watched to 56. I don’t know what to think about this. It is merely another facet of the tension I feel toward my hunger, my desires.

More technical forms of learning are moving along, albeit irregularly, like Korean, guitar, driving, coding. My hunger cannot be sated, and I am impatient. I am working hard on being patient, on enjoying the slow dripdrip of understanding entering me.

After this weekend of sharp turns which capped a few weeks of just chugging forward and consuming blindly, I finally came to stillness and sat in it for a little while, grieving. I think a lot about my life and how it could unfold more meaningfully. That is a difficult habit. Also about this weekend: I already didn’t feel I could ever fully trust a man, and now I’m not sure I will ever recover out of that position again.

I wish to be bothered. To give and receive affection very simply.

Soon, I will sit in a mall and have some sushi alone.

I think I am ready to have long hair.