by Ang Kia Yee

I am still learning patience, patience for life as duration, but also as a series of passing moments which do not need to accumulate into anything. Can I let go of the need to arrive somewhere? I would like just to be here, in the palm of this moment, cupped face blissful and relaxed.

I know that this is at odds with the ways I work, and the ways in which I conduct myself in work situations and exercise my relentless work ethic. I have not been able to conceive of a middle ground between the two positions. Even though I don’t like to think of them as opposing, the line I walk between them is taut.

How can I strive toward the things I dream of and long for while holding on to peace in the present? How can I enjoy the present moment while still looking toward the future? Perhaps I must change how I look at the future then. It is not there, in the horizon. Perhaps it is here, in the present moment. Being here, being peace, I learn to dream of here and now as the future. This, however, is an exercise in fusing the two. I wonder if what I must do instead is to let go of one. I know which one that might be.

I have let go of it before, briefly and here and there. But to cement it would take new habits and commitments about what I consume. That seems to be the theme for the moment: body and what it does, what it ingests and makes part of itself. Can I do it? I will.