by Ang Kia Yee

Warmth and warmth. There is a flame that I carry, and it is my life’s task to cultivate, protect, honour, nurture and celebrate it. I’ve mentioned this to S, that for a while last year, whenever I meditated, I felt and saw a fullness in my mouth that was expanding, like a pau or just some mass. It had no clear name or material, just this expansive and expanding shape swelling, taking up all the space in my mouth. It felt like my joy, or my life.

I lost touch with this sensation when I started spinning last July, losing myself to the anxieties of romantic desire. And now, today, I’ve finally arrived back in the warm joy of me. And that sensation and image is back. This time the shape is held at the centre by some constricting thing. It looks like a very very fluffy dog with a tiny vest on it. The shape is constricted but is still full, still expanding.

I am thinking about the concrete, external ways I want and maybe need to grow now, because I’m ready to take on my next form. To embody that larger impending self who emanates power and uses her wisdom and courage to lead. I can almost touch her. I am learning not to fear her, but to trust that power can be used for good through me.